girlfriend and general love advice

[Mike]

In a nutshell, here's my problem.
I've been dating this girl for two years and the thing is, we've never had sex. In the begining of the relationship we used to do stuff, but that dried up for some reason that I don't understand. We have a halfway healthy emotional relationship, but there is no physical relationship which as of late seems to be more and more important to me.

Now the real question is, are there things I can do to maybe make her want to boost up the whole intimacy thing? Or do you guys think this is a lost cause.

[HandsomPete]

maybe you'd be best off realizing that you may be great friends but not have a future as a couple? I don't know or claim to know any perticulars of your situation but it sounds to me like you have a frien that you want to be sleeping with. just so happens she's held the honorary title of g/f for a while.

[Pavilion Nick]

Maybe if you bring the emotional relationship up from halfway you'll have a good start.

[deviance99]

Give her alcohol. It increases the testosterone amount in women, thus making them horney. Now, if you want a more "moral" way, give her a nice back rub. Let your fingers wander... I hear that once you turn her on, it's hard to turn her off. (not specifically your g/f, but females in general. Yes, I am the king of generalizations :) )

[HandsomPete]

thank you deviance. I was telling someone about the relatedness of testosterone and the female sex drive last week and no one else around had ever heard of it.

[Mike]

Come to think of it, seems like she's always in the mood, as it were, when she's drinking. Still...seems almost like taking advantage of her.

[HandsomPete]

no, it is taking advantage of her if she has told you she is not ready bring sex into the relationship.

[deviance99]

no problem. I didn't realize it until I watched Body Hits last night on tech TV. It makes sense.

Diversion: It raises testosterone in women to the level it is in men :) All girls if you've ever been drunk, you should realize this is the sort of thing we have to suppress 24/7 :)

[Cristina]

hey ....its great to have that emotional bond...but you do need some physical attraction to each other. Maybe she feels that you dont want it and vice versa. Start to be really romanitc like hold her hand out of no where or kiss her on the head. Little subtle things like that will start to help a bit! Then you can just kiss and kiss and kiss and then ....ok well thats your territory! (but make it romantic!) maybe thats all you guys need! *good luck* ;)

[Kimmykiwi01]

I agree with Cristina. Maybe if you suprised her with a romantic candlelite dinner (ya i know it sounds like a movie) but it really would work. Light candles around the bed and put flower petals everywhere. I think that she will see your romantic side. Maybe that will bring you closer emotionally and romantically. It is worth a shot :)

[JonB]

Mike: 3 Words

Communication Is Key

[Kimmykiwi01]

I'd be up for sex if that was to happen to me!! ;) ahhaha

[Jove]

What are we repessing? I try not to repress anything. What are you saying, THAT I REPRESS?

*looks around* Right, so Uh, talk to your gf and see what she has been up too. I mean if you haven't talked to her, I mean really have a serious dicussion about things then maybe it is time for one.

[Cristina]

Originally posted by Kimmykiwi01:
I'd be up for sex if that was to happen to me!! ;) ahhahaDEFINALTY!! all girls need to be romanced once in awhile...and while you have your romantic date--> talk! ;)

[[Gary]]

make a bet...bet sexual favors. It has worked for....uhhhhh....people i know...Ya, thats it! :D
Thats if you two are not afraid of that kind of talk.

Either that, or just introduce her to this post...lol

[Jill]

You really need to just talk with her about it, and see what both your expectations of the relationship are.

[Mike]

Ok, she's coming up this weekend and I'll give some of the more romantic suggestions a shot.. I that doesn't work we can try communicating..but if that doesn't work i'm probably going to hit her in the head with a rock.

[HandsomPete]

um, perhaps that's not the best way into her pants Mike. Laws n' all, wtf, since when has it been wrong to blugen a woman with a rock to convincer her sex is a good idea.

On the other hand, if you're so cought up in the no sex thing that you're going to end the relationship unless she puts out this weekend then the rock idea may be a great source of closure.

[Cristina]

Mike: is it a long distance relationship im assuming?

[Mike]

It is recently. She's doing her student teaching right now, but before that she was on campus. Also, coming up i'm not going to be seeing her for a month because she's leaving the country to do part of her student teaching. So, if it wasn't a long distance one before, it's about to get a big thrust in that direction.

[Sum_Gurl]

When you say "never" do you mean not at all ever or just not enough for your taste? If you guys are still in the first catergory after 2 yrs I'm guessing she's still in the V-club in which case her moral/religious values may hold a little more wieght than your hormones. I'm not saying your wrong to feel denied but you gotta consider her priorities too.

[Mike]

Never as in never. Not for lack of trying...and i doubt her religous belief is really what is keeping her back. She's sorta relgious, but who isn't. We've seemed to have hit this rut where she doesn't want to do anything and I really don't want to have to work really hard opening her up (not that i wouldn't be willing, but i've tried to get her warmed up in the past and she usually gets angry because she always thinks i'm out for sex, even when i don't mention it.)

Another thing that maybe didn't get across very clearly, is that i'm not just doing this for sex. I've lasted this long without going insane and this isn't necesarily a deal breaker, but I feel like the relationship is slipping into more of a "We're too comfortable to end things or to actually have to do things." Basically, I want that whirlwind back, the sort of feeling you have when you just can't get enough of that special person.. I guess the trick is, I want it with her and that's the part I don't understand how to get. I dunno. Maybe getting all groiny isn't the way to go about it, but I do know in the past i've felt a closer emotional bond with her after we do physical stuff.

[Shanny]

All i can say is that if it aint there, it aint there man, and it prolly wont ever be. Dont stress out about it, and dont think that sex will fix it, cuz it wont. But I know where you're at, the LD thing sucks ass.

[Jove]

I don't know mike, I think we stressed one important thing. You need to talk to her and see what page she is on. If you two are not on the same page, then someone needs to catch up or slow down.

[Troy]

i kind of like the rock idea myself. Did she ever really like the stuff you did in the beginning of the relationship? Maybe she didn't really like it and was too afraid to tell you so she just kind of let it go and now she's afraid of it because it hurt. I have a friend this happened too. And any girl that says it never hurts is lying. Maybe you could ask her why you stopped doing that stuff.

There is also the off chance that she is trying to hide something, but i wont go there.

p.s. go for the ears ;)

[candace]

Originally posted by Troy:
p.s. go for the ears ;) golden advice right there...

[Sum_Gurl]

Has anything else in her life changed? Sometimes new medication, undue stress, weight gain/loss can severely affect the female libido.

[OSaraO]

Originally posted by deviance99:
Give her alcohol. It increases the testosterone amount in women, thus making them horney. Now, if you want a more "moral" way, give her a nice back rub. Let your fingers wander... I hear that once you turn her on, it's hard to turn her off. (not specifically your g/f, but females in general. Yes, I am the king of generalizations :) )definition of rape right there.. getting a girl drunk to get laid is RAPE.. because if the girl or guy can not condone the activity and then it is rape....

[deviance99]

Originally posted by OSaraO:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by deviance99:
Give her alcohol. It increases the testosterone amount in women, thus making them horney. Now, if you want a more "moral" way, give her a nice back rub. Let your fingers wander... I hear that once you turn her on, it's hard to turn her off. (not specifically your g/f, but females in general. Yes, I am the king of generalizations :) )definition of rape right there.. getting a girl drunk to get laid is RAPE.. because if the girl or guy can not condone the activity and then it is rape....[/QUOTE]Yeah, I know. I was being sarcastic, kind of poking fun at all the guys I know who use alcohol as an aphrodisiac. Which I've never done :rolleyes:

[Mike]

Hey guys, here's an update.
I took some of your guys' advice and got her drunk..the only problem is she got tanked off of two beers...in three hours. Needless to say, the shuttle didn't launch this weekend.

After reading all of your posts, i'm kinda getting to the point where maybe this isn't meant to be. She did tell everyone at the bar, however, that she wanted to have sex...but i'm really getting the feeling that she's just starting to screw with my head now. Even when I took her home and put her to bed she was raveing on about how i'm "the one" and how she wants to marry me.. doesn't want anything to do with me any other way..sure made it uncomfortable. Oh yeah! And how come she only tells me this crap when she's wrecked?? Anyway..in conclusion..girls suck, or my girl sucks, anyhow. I'm sure many of you out there are well adjusted and okay with yourselves.

[deviance99]

Hmm... Strange man. Maybe she was being honest with you, about your "the one". She might be scared of sex... I have no idea. She might just be scared of everything! Ah well. Good luck.

[Jove]

I think, you need to talk to her about your relationship, when sober. The key is to solve the problem, not so you can have sex with her afterwards because if sex is on your mind at the time she probably can see where it may lead.

Oh yeah, try and get her comfortable and relaxed that way she will open up to you more..

[Plastikman]

Yeah, even though it wasn't serious, the previous post here was a little too much. Sorry.

[Kimmykiwi01]

Definately not cool! That is also considered rape...
I'm sorry but this drunk sex talk is really bothering me and I feel as if I need to speak up. I work with SAPA and I work hard to educate and work with survivors of sexual assault on a daily basis. I just wanted to clarify that it isn't a joke and to let the ones know that there are alot of people that use these forums...Just a statistic to throw at you..1 in 4 women will be a survivor of sexual assault. Look at the number of members on this portal and think about it just for a minute and see how many people you are offending. :ugh:

[deviance99]

I hate it when people make a big deal about people having a few drinks then having sex. I guess according to that I've been raped too, many times! There is a big difference in actually giving someone alcohol, until they are at a point of oblivion, then taking advantage of them, and having a few drinks to get in the mood. Getting someone smashed to screw them is wrong to me. Having sex when you've had a few isn't.

Actually according to that technical definition, I'm a serial rapist with my girl friend!!!

I'm sure that 99% of the guys on this campus who are not virgins are rapists too according to that... so are 99% of the girls too. That would be one big sexual offenders list ;)

[Kimmykiwi01]

You can have sex if you have had some drinks...as long as you both consent to it. That isn't rape..but other comments that were made were offensive...thats my beef! :)

[Shanny]

yeah, but you're a guy, rules change for men

[Cristina]

Mike:

Well if she is saying to you when she's drunk then saying that she wants nothing to do with you other wise? i guess im lost or read your post wrong?

But Maybe she only is opening up when shes drunk cause she's scared? Like sum_girl said...did anything change in her life that you know of, stress really puts a damper on a relationship sometimes that way. Try the "talking to her" approach with a nice dinner that u make thats romatic! talk about life and where you both see yourselfs down the line and see where that leads..or lead it where you want the conversation to go! good luck! ;)

[OSaraO]

there is def something wrong with getting drunk then having sex..
HELLO!!! if you can't get laid sober then hey you should feel pretty stupid that the only way you ever do is after you get a girl drunk.. eh.. yeah thats what i thought.. good braggin rights... or NOT!

[deviance99]

OSaraO, I agree if that's the case, that the only way you can get laid is to be drunk! It's just that people, who have been together, do sometimes get drunk together. Then they have sex with each other. Neither person feels raped or violated, but it is technically rape according to law.

I've had situations where I was fully taken advantage of by girls (while I was completely drunk, and where I didn't ask for sex either)... I just shrug it off, even though I could prosecute. I had sense enough to say yes or no, and I didn't say no, I actually was all for it after it started, but I was by no means in my right mind frame. (the room was spinning on multiple occasions)

I guess what Shanny says is correct: "rules change for men." Bs I tell ya! BS!!

[Mike]

My g/f and I have been together for 2 years and sex isn't why I'm staying with her. I'm with her because I do love her, Also, i'm completely against rape, so i'd never do that. In any of it's forms.

Oh well.. I try a lot of your suggestions and none of it really works. She never wants to talk about this problem (she's kind of spoiled and always wants her way) and she tells me that she doesn't want to or that she doesn't have the energy to discuss it..

Its not exactly sex that i'm interested in as much as physical intamacy. She's not really interested in any of that, so it seems. If its important to me, how long should I wait before I decided that she's not fulfilling my needs and oust her? Or is that something I can talk to her about, and if it were.. how do I word it so she's not going to resent me and start a huge fight?

[deviance99]

If she is unwilling to talk to you about it... what else can be done? Really? If it's important to have an intimate relationship (for most of it is a nessesity in the relationship), I think ousting her is your best option, since you are just delaying the enevitable.

[Shanny]

Mike, I feel for you man, but honestly, you have not figured out women yet, have you? Asking a question about why she does something like not be intimate is asking for at least the death glare, if not just death. There is no way to word this that will not upset her. You could try and tell her the truth, which is not generally recommended because it will piss her off to know that you think she is colder than a butterball turkey, and if you try and talk around it for a bit, she'll know what you're getting at by that thing that you do with your eyebrow... trust me, you do. at any rate, my whole point here is that there is no real way to avoid at least upsetting her, and hoping that she has already used all of her death stare ammo, or misses you with the initial shot and takes out the neighbor. In the worst scenario, she will say something that will leave you so confused that you won't figure it out for at least a year, at which point you will have found someone who fulfills all your needs, and this gal will be freezing someone else's bed. Anyway, don't know if I helped, but basically, you can't word things right, so shoot her straight and pray to whatever you find holy. Or you can just suck it up and move on, which it kinda sounds like she is thinking about anyhow.